Eight

As it rolls around each year, and before I actually notice the exact day of the anniversary, I find myself given to a kind of quiet melancholy. The past week has not been sad or unhappy. Actually, with family events and people all around, it's proving to be a really enjoyable, exuberant summer full of laughter and smiles. Nevertheless, behind everything this week, I'm experiencing a heart-tugging pensiveness. I feel a little blue. It's been eight years since he died.

It's amazing the way God makes us. I am convinced that memory is one of his great gifts to us. I don't deliberately look for it, but it happens every year, very much like an internal clock.

Truth be told, I would not want it any other way. I would be devastated if I found that I had forgotten him. He was amazing. He was the biggest challenge in my life, indelibly shaping who I am today. Our relationship was so unique. We loved each other: our brotherhood was marked by unusual enmity and suffering one moment, and then the sweetest communion of souls the next. I know that I am a more patient man, able to care better today for having known him.

Hey, I love you still... and I want to be a little sad today because the memory is so alive. And I know my joy will not be contained when I see you again in the presence of our Father.

Tin Man

It's so disconcerting to be told that I need to put more compassion into the things I do; that I need to care more for the people I work with; that I do everything "right" but not with love. Being caring and expressive is not me, at least not naturally. Yet for some reason, I like to think that I am caring and warm. God knows I've always tried to do what ought to be done. So I assume that I've cared, that I've done my part adequately. But people who know me, know better. They point out that I've barely scratched the surface of my responsibility to others. I've got the methods, and usually the courage, but I need a heart.

The truth leaves me at something of a loss. I'm stunned. It's hard to talk. I want to hide. Having tried so hard and actually covering a lot of ground now seems so empty. But those words which are so familiar to the degree of triteness now bear upon me full force: "...if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing", and all that I've laboured at likewise is nothing. I have not been Christlike. This is difficult - running, falling, getting up again.

My apologies.

To you whom I've supported but not really. You've been grieved by my hesitation, my holding back. Please know that you are a gifted individual whom I have, for insecurities of my own, inappropriately stifled. Please forgive me and this bump in the road I've created. Don't let me get you down. God bless you! Go for it!

And to you who sees things as they really are. I am sorry for not listening to your insightful correction. Thank-you for taking the risk to point out my failure. You amaze me for being true even though you know my stubborn pride will get in the way. You show me what love is all about.

.....

I want a heart!

Twenty

She is easily the greatest wonder of Creation in my life. All the world's best reasons for why I love her are true. She is the love of my life. I fell in love with her because of her sunny disposition and warm smile. She is caring and selfless, always going the extra mile. Although she has gifts and abilities that can catapult her to prominence, she always chooses to put me first. She is a companion, friend, and encourager. She makes life full and exciting simply by being there. The best family times happen because she painstakingly plans and executes our together activities. And... she understands.

She is God's gift to me. Ours is not a fairy tale relationship of boy meets girl and they live happily ever after. It's a lot deeper than that. I've come to realize that marriage as God intended it really is a mystery. The journey of becoming one is so marvelously coloured and complex that it could only be born in the mind of the infinite Creator. There are things about myself that would have remained undiscovered without her prompting - she brings out the best in me, and turns the worst on its head. The reality of unconditional love, or grace, is made real because in spite of everything she is always there. Always.

Her love satisfies me emotionally, but it is not just feelings. She is there with an open hand to hold till hurt is gone. Her words are wisdom. Her smile brings release from the burdens of this world. From the recesses of her heart springs a surprise for me every day - I know her so well, and yet, not at all. She is a godly woman who has a faith that gently challenges the growth of my own. Where would I be otherwise?

After all these years, you give me so much to look forward to. Happy anniversary, honey! I love you.

Closer

The most profound truths really do come from the mouths of babes. My wife was riding the ferris wheel with our young son. As they went up and over, she pointed down and said, "Look, do you see daddy down there?"

Our little guy said, "Yeah, he looks so small!"

My wife went on, "Hmm, I wonder what we look like when God looks down at us...we must look very small, just like when we're standing on the ground looking at an ant."

"Oh, but where is the ant?"

"The ant? It's too small for us to see from way up here!"

"But God sees the ant, doesn't He?"

"Hey yeah, God does see the ant...hmm...then God must be closer than we think!"