Mired

Expectations and opportunities everywhere. And failure right here. I've been around long enough to know what I should do as situations arise. I should be able to say the right words, care the right way. Deep down the understanding is there. But when it's time for rising to the challenge, I don't know why, but I don't. Actually, I can't even say challenge, but only what can be reasonably expected. I'm deeply aware that falling short can be called sin. And although it may not have been deliberate, my failure to do what I should is just that. Now I'm stuck. Mired in the mess of my own making, again. Yes, again.

I have the privilege of being able to affect many lives for good. However, the real impact has been negligible. Those around me forge ahead in spite of me, regardless of what I do. I'm glad, because that's a testimony to God's grace in their lives. Yet sad, because I wasn't there for them even though I was there with them.

Oh, there are excuses: way too busy! too many demands! too tired! too uncared for to care for others! done my best! But excuses just don't cut it, because people are hurt and trust has been eroded just a little bit more. There is no sense that God loves me any less. I know his forgiveness is sure. But for those I've failed, saying sorry is not enough. They have to re-understand me, re-build their expectations, swallow their pain. I have to learn, persist in doing the right thing even though this time it's too late, and wait. It does hurt.

This is where I live, for now.