It's so disconcerting to be told that I need to put more compassion into the things I do; that I need to care more for the people I work with; that I do everything "right" but not with love. Being caring and expressive is not me, at least not naturally. Yet for some reason, I like to think that I am caring and warm. God knows I've always tried to do what ought to be done. So I assume that I've cared, that I've done my part adequately. But people who know me, know better. They point out that I've barely scratched the surface of my responsibility to others. I've got the methods, and usually the courage, but I need a heart.
The truth leaves me at something of a loss. I'm stunned. It's hard to talk. I want to hide. Having tried so hard and actually covering a lot of ground now seems so empty. But those words which are so familiar to the degree of triteness now bear upon me full force: "...if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing", and all that I've laboured at likewise is nothing. I have not been Christlike. This is difficult - running, falling, getting up again.
My apologies.
To you whom I've supported but not really. You've been grieved by my hesitation, my holding back. Please know that you are a gifted individual whom I have, for insecurities of my own, inappropriately stifled. Please forgive me and this bump in the road I've created. Don't let me get you down. God bless you! Go for it!
And to you who sees things as they really are. I am sorry for not listening to your insightful correction. Thank-you for taking the risk to point out my failure. You amaze me for being true even though you know my stubborn pride will get in the way. You show me what love is all about.
.....
I want a heart!
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Twenty
She is easily the greatest wonder of Creation in my life. All the world's best reasons for why I love her are true. She is the love of my life. I fell in love with her because of her sunny disposition and warm smile. She is caring and selfless, always going the extra mile. Although she has gifts and abilities that can catapult her to prominence, she always chooses to put me first. She is a companion, friend, and encourager. She makes life full and exciting simply by being there. The best family times happen because she painstakingly plans and executes our together activities. And... she understands.
She is God's gift to me. Ours is not a fairy tale relationship of boy meets girl and they live happily ever after. It's a lot deeper than that. I've come to realize that marriage as God intended it really is a mystery. The journey of becoming one is so marvelously coloured and complex that it could only be born in the mind of the infinite Creator. There are things about myself that would have remained undiscovered without her prompting - she brings out the best in me, and turns the worst on its head. The reality of unconditional love, or grace, is made real because in spite of everything she is always there. Always.
Her love satisfies me emotionally, but it is not just feelings. She is there with an open hand to hold till hurt is gone. Her words are wisdom. Her smile brings release from the burdens of this world. From the recesses of her heart springs a surprise for me every day - I know her so well, and yet, not at all. She is a godly woman who has a faith that gently challenges the growth of my own. Where would I be otherwise?
After all these years, you give me so much to look forward to. Happy anniversary, honey! I love you.
She is God's gift to me. Ours is not a fairy tale relationship of boy meets girl and they live happily ever after. It's a lot deeper than that. I've come to realize that marriage as God intended it really is a mystery. The journey of becoming one is so marvelously coloured and complex that it could only be born in the mind of the infinite Creator. There are things about myself that would have remained undiscovered without her prompting - she brings out the best in me, and turns the worst on its head. The reality of unconditional love, or grace, is made real because in spite of everything she is always there. Always.
Her love satisfies me emotionally, but it is not just feelings. She is there with an open hand to hold till hurt is gone. Her words are wisdom. Her smile brings release from the burdens of this world. From the recesses of her heart springs a surprise for me every day - I know her so well, and yet, not at all. She is a godly woman who has a faith that gently challenges the growth of my own. Where would I be otherwise?
After all these years, you give me so much to look forward to. Happy anniversary, honey! I love you.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Closer
The most profound truths really do come from the mouths of babes. My wife was riding the ferris wheel with our young son. As they went up and over, she pointed down and said, "Look, do you see daddy down there?"
Our little guy said, "Yeah, he looks so small!"
My wife went on, "Hmm, I wonder what we look like when God looks down at us...we must look very small, just like when we're standing on the ground looking at an ant."
"Oh, but where is the ant?"
"The ant? It's too small for us to see from way up here!"
"But God sees the ant, doesn't He?"
"Hey yeah, God does see the ant...hmm...then God must be closer than we think!"
Our little guy said, "Yeah, he looks so small!"
My wife went on, "Hmm, I wonder what we look like when God looks down at us...we must look very small, just like when we're standing on the ground looking at an ant."
"Oh, but where is the ant?"
"The ant? It's too small for us to see from way up here!"
"But God sees the ant, doesn't He?"
"Hey yeah, God does see the ant...hmm...then God must be closer than we think!"
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Indignant
Whoa! A lesson in getting my head on right.
Yesterday was one of the worst driving days ever. The city's public transit union staged a wildcat strike. Don't think anybody knows why, exactly. Usually I get to work by about 8:50 a.m. I was 45 minutes late! Hate that! Then it was all-day rush hour. Since the subway trains were all still in their yards I had to drive downtown in the afternoon. That was an easy 20 minutes. But coming back uptown to the office took 2 and 1/2 hours in bumper to bumper traffic, and then another 45 minutes to get home! It didn't help that it was a swelteringly hot, humid day. Hate that!
I, along with 90% of the population of this commuter city, practically drowned in exasperation. The local all-news radio station's major all-day story was the disbelief, frustration and anger of people inconvenienced by the shut-down of public transportation. The indignation of having my precious time wasted by the very public squabbling of parties who care only about themselves created a bad taste in my mouth and a grumbling in my heart.
Today... I pick up my mail and there in an eye-catching envelope is an appeal from World Vision for earthquake relief for Indonesia. Suddenly it occurs to me that throughout yesterday's disenchantment with my transit inconvenience, between the news reports of our city's transit strike, I did hear reports of the mounting death toll due to the earthquake in the Bantul district of Java Island. This evening I hear on the news that the government of Indonesia counts 6200 dead and over 600,000 left homeless.
I suffered more than a brief moment of shame as I thought of my indignation at being inconvenienced, against my carelessness over the disaster in Indonesia. Two big news stories on the same day. Which is the bigger news story? Obviously, it was the one that had the greatest direct impact on me, or at least whatever I could most readily feel - and I had felt inconvenienced. Talk about misplaced indignation! Why did I not feel for the lives that were cut short and the home-lost who were more than a little inconvenienced??? I feel now. That envelope will go back with a token of my sad attitude towards things that really matter.
I should pay more attention to the things that get my goad, and make sure that they are actually worth my attention. God have mercy on me.
Yesterday was one of the worst driving days ever. The city's public transit union staged a wildcat strike. Don't think anybody knows why, exactly. Usually I get to work by about 8:50 a.m. I was 45 minutes late! Hate that! Then it was all-day rush hour. Since the subway trains were all still in their yards I had to drive downtown in the afternoon. That was an easy 20 minutes. But coming back uptown to the office took 2 and 1/2 hours in bumper to bumper traffic, and then another 45 minutes to get home! It didn't help that it was a swelteringly hot, humid day. Hate that!
I, along with 90% of the population of this commuter city, practically drowned in exasperation. The local all-news radio station's major all-day story was the disbelief, frustration and anger of people inconvenienced by the shut-down of public transportation. The indignation of having my precious time wasted by the very public squabbling of parties who care only about themselves created a bad taste in my mouth and a grumbling in my heart.
Today... I pick up my mail and there in an eye-catching envelope is an appeal from World Vision for earthquake relief for Indonesia. Suddenly it occurs to me that throughout yesterday's disenchantment with my transit inconvenience, between the news reports of our city's transit strike, I did hear reports of the mounting death toll due to the earthquake in the Bantul district of Java Island. This evening I hear on the news that the government of Indonesia counts 6200 dead and over 600,000 left homeless.
I suffered more than a brief moment of shame as I thought of my indignation at being inconvenienced, against my carelessness over the disaster in Indonesia. Two big news stories on the same day. Which is the bigger news story? Obviously, it was the one that had the greatest direct impact on me, or at least whatever I could most readily feel - and I had felt inconvenienced. Talk about misplaced indignation! Why did I not feel for the lives that were cut short and the home-lost who were more than a little inconvenienced??? I feel now. That envelope will go back with a token of my sad attitude towards things that really matter.
I should pay more attention to the things that get my goad, and make sure that they are actually worth my attention. God have mercy on me.
Monday, May 29, 2006
Antiquated
Guess it was bound to happen sooner or later: the sense that I'm not really needed by those on the cutting edge anymore. This is a function of years. I remember a day when everything was a discovery, every discovery an exciting adventure, and every adventure life-enriching. Those were the times when I felt myself on the cutting edge. It was a privilege to try new things with peers who had the same needs I had, and were searching as I was. But things have changed. I haven't the time or energy for the fresh adventures of youth who have yet to discover God's surprises for them. I no longer have the drive, or the keenness of mind. And I think those in their prime can sense that. I feel that to them, I am old, out of touch – an object of appropriate politeness, but not to be taken too seriously.
Experience is worth something, but not nearly as much as experimentation. Nobody believes that the older mindset really understands what’s going on today. It is convenient to think that present concerns and aspirations were selfishly ignored by one’s predecessors. They had their priorities wrong. They lived with rules and methods that just don’t reflect the world as it really is. We today are messed up by their inauthenticity. They are responsible for the leaving us in a quandary, so the last thing we need is their advice.
Funny how things come full circle. Seems I once felt that way about the generation before mine. When it came time for me to strike out on my own, I felt that I didn’t need them either. There was no conversation, no dialogue, no grace extended to them – only impatience. Today, I am constantly amazed by the wisdom of those who have lived longer than I have. There is so much I can learn from them, so much I can adapt and adopt for depth and richness in my life. Why did I wait so long?
Well, it is still a privilege that though I may not feel very useful to the up and coming, I have not been rejected. I will do my best to be a keen observer. I will listen in order to understand, and as occasion affords, to encourage. It will be best to be lean on advice. I will be there to applaud, and to help without judging if there is a stumble. There is much excitement in what’s coming around and I look forward to it. The torch has passed on to a capable generation.
Experience is worth something, but not nearly as much as experimentation. Nobody believes that the older mindset really understands what’s going on today. It is convenient to think that present concerns and aspirations were selfishly ignored by one’s predecessors. They had their priorities wrong. They lived with rules and methods that just don’t reflect the world as it really is. We today are messed up by their inauthenticity. They are responsible for the leaving us in a quandary, so the last thing we need is their advice.
Funny how things come full circle. Seems I once felt that way about the generation before mine. When it came time for me to strike out on my own, I felt that I didn’t need them either. There was no conversation, no dialogue, no grace extended to them – only impatience. Today, I am constantly amazed by the wisdom of those who have lived longer than I have. There is so much I can learn from them, so much I can adapt and adopt for depth and richness in my life. Why did I wait so long?
Well, it is still a privilege that though I may not feel very useful to the up and coming, I have not been rejected. I will do my best to be a keen observer. I will listen in order to understand, and as occasion affords, to encourage. It will be best to be lean on advice. I will be there to applaud, and to help without judging if there is a stumble. There is much excitement in what’s coming around and I look forward to it. The torch has passed on to a capable generation.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Promise
Recent changes in the lives of people significant to me - relocation, changes in work, home, etc. - have made me think. Some are experiencing change simply because change happens. Some are going through change in pursuit of the promises of this world. You know: work hard and you'll succeed; study well and you'll be secure; be loving and you'll enjoy the comfort of a great family; set aside a little bit now and you'll have enough to live on when you're old. But the fact of the matter is that we often find these promises broken. Work hard, and you might succeed. You could also get stuck in a dead-end job, be replaced by someone less costly to the company, be sidelined by life-threatening illness, or lose your life at a cross-walk. Be loving and enjoy family – unless, of course, your spouse wants out, or your kids decide to contradict with their lives every piece of good advice you’ve ever given and break your heart over and over. And what if the place where you live is racked with war and terrorism? Even when the promises seem somewhat fulfilled, they don’t last. Just look the local newsstand plastered with magazines blaring the sorry side of those with the great jobs, lovely families, money, fame, and fortune.
God’s promises, by contrast, are meaningfully enduring. He made a covenant promise to his people, and he has been true to his word. He promises “rest” (our well-being) today and also an eternal rest we can look forward to. Jesus promises that he goes away to prepare a place for us so that we can be with him there forever. He promises to build a church, strong and vibrant, over which even the gates (powers) of Hades will not prevail. Jesus promises to give us his Spirit, and we now bear his seal. He promises to be with us to the end of the age. He promises he will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear. He promises us resurrection. He promises to finish the good work he started in us. These and more are his “very great and precious promises” (2 Peter 1:4).
I guess that part of the necessity of God’s promises is because we are creatures of hope. Our hope rests on promises. These promises really work because they are from the One who has the authority and sovereignty to promise. This gives us a future and certainty despite change. We need to get to know these promises, and the One who made them because we can trust him.
God’s promises, by contrast, are meaningfully enduring. He made a covenant promise to his people, and he has been true to his word. He promises “rest” (our well-being) today and also an eternal rest we can look forward to. Jesus promises that he goes away to prepare a place for us so that we can be with him there forever. He promises to build a church, strong and vibrant, over which even the gates (powers) of Hades will not prevail. Jesus promises to give us his Spirit, and we now bear his seal. He promises to be with us to the end of the age. He promises he will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear. He promises us resurrection. He promises to finish the good work he started in us. These and more are his “very great and precious promises” (2 Peter 1:4).
I guess that part of the necessity of God’s promises is because we are creatures of hope. Our hope rests on promises. These promises really work because they are from the One who has the authority and sovereignty to promise. This gives us a future and certainty despite change. We need to get to know these promises, and the One who made them because we can trust him.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Galleria
After hearing the many recommendations and praises of relatives and friends about this place, I finally visited this Korean supermarket. Who'd ever have thought that this would turn out to be a first-class adventure!
Korean gadgets are really coming into their own around here, and this supermarket had all the brands. I loved the pots and pans, and plastic-that-looks-like-real glass/stoneware plates, cups and saucers, and bowls. I couldn't believe my eyes when I spotted these one-piece pincer-like chopsticks for the digitally challenged. There was no shortage of Korean groceries, fruits, vegetables, dry goods, candies, and also a good selection of non-Korean stuff. A rhythmic bang drew me to the centre of the store where I saw this machine that takes in a few grains of rice, and then "bang!" instantly out pops a big round, lighter-than-air rice cake. Then bang, another one, and bang, another one, and another one, and another one, .... Uhh! I had to catch up to my companions.
Then there it was - the food court! This is what my friends had been telling me about. They had stressed the variety, and the convenience of the place. Instead of paying at the food station counter like most food courts, here you ordered and paid at a cashier, and got a ticket with a number on it. When the food was ready, a l.e.d. flasher at the station that made your particular dish displayed the number on your ticket, and you got it. The menu was impossible to understand - bolsot bibim bap, koatgaetang, soegogi beoseot deopbap, nakji jeongtol, boodae tchigtae, haemul ttukpaegi, toeji kalbi kui - !!?!!?! It was all Korean to me. However, there were pictures! I ordered by pointing to a picture of something I felt brave enough to try, but not to pronounce. The cashier gave me a ticket.
Korean food is not subtle. The flavours are bold (hot), flavourful (hot), and fragrant (hot). Koreans believe in garlic - with a passion. My dinner companions had seafood something with noodles in soup. They loved it. They loved the automatic sushi rolling machine at one of the food stations, too. My I-do-not-know-the-name-of-it dish consisted of browned noodles with beef, assorted asian vegetables and fungi, something spicy in it, and lots of garlic. It was really good, lovely to begin with, and increasingly spicy right up to the last morsel. A Korean family at the table next to ours emptied what must have been half a litre (I kid you not) of spicy red stuff all over their food. They ate it without even the slightest wince or hesitation.
I really needed some water after witnessing that. Styrofoam cups were available at the food stations to be used for a water dispenser - so I helped myself. My dinner companions asked why I didn't use the Korean cups. !!?!!?! There was such a thing as Korean cups? They showed me. There they were. Small metal cups stacked together inside what looked like a wine cooler - only it was a machine to store, dry, and keep clean cups clean. One of my companions took a small metal cup out of the cooler like thing, used it to drink some water from the dispenser. Then said, "you can drop your used cup in this receptacle." I looked and there was a thing you could stack your used cup in - sort of like a reverse cup holder you would normally get soft drink cups out of in a cafeteria. Wow, they think of everything!
After eating, we had dessert simply by walking through their bakery section. We were too full to indulge in the gorgeous-looking sweets. We worked off some calories by browsing the frozen food section. You know they have everything pre-sliced for doing your own hot-pot at home?
Life is good. I gotta do this again.
Korean gadgets are really coming into their own around here, and this supermarket had all the brands. I loved the pots and pans, and plastic-that-looks-like-real glass/stoneware plates, cups and saucers, and bowls. I couldn't believe my eyes when I spotted these one-piece pincer-like chopsticks for the digitally challenged. There was no shortage of Korean groceries, fruits, vegetables, dry goods, candies, and also a good selection of non-Korean stuff. A rhythmic bang drew me to the centre of the store where I saw this machine that takes in a few grains of rice, and then "bang!" instantly out pops a big round, lighter-than-air rice cake. Then bang, another one, and bang, another one, and another one, and another one, .... Uhh! I had to catch up to my companions.
Then there it was - the food court! This is what my friends had been telling me about. They had stressed the variety, and the convenience of the place. Instead of paying at the food station counter like most food courts, here you ordered and paid at a cashier, and got a ticket with a number on it. When the food was ready, a l.e.d. flasher at the station that made your particular dish displayed the number on your ticket, and you got it. The menu was impossible to understand - bolsot bibim bap, koatgaetang, soegogi beoseot deopbap, nakji jeongtol, boodae tchigtae, haemul ttukpaegi, toeji kalbi kui - !!?!!?! It was all Korean to me. However, there were pictures! I ordered by pointing to a picture of something I felt brave enough to try, but not to pronounce. The cashier gave me a ticket.
Korean food is not subtle. The flavours are bold (hot), flavourful (hot), and fragrant (hot). Koreans believe in garlic - with a passion. My dinner companions had seafood something with noodles in soup. They loved it. They loved the automatic sushi rolling machine at one of the food stations, too. My I-do-not-know-the-name-of-it dish consisted of browned noodles with beef, assorted asian vegetables and fungi, something spicy in it, and lots of garlic. It was really good, lovely to begin with, and increasingly spicy right up to the last morsel. A Korean family at the table next to ours emptied what must have been half a litre (I kid you not) of spicy red stuff all over their food. They ate it without even the slightest wince or hesitation.
I really needed some water after witnessing that. Styrofoam cups were available at the food stations to be used for a water dispenser - so I helped myself. My dinner companions asked why I didn't use the Korean cups. !!?!!?! There was such a thing as Korean cups? They showed me. There they were. Small metal cups stacked together inside what looked like a wine cooler - only it was a machine to store, dry, and keep clean cups clean. One of my companions took a small metal cup out of the cooler like thing, used it to drink some water from the dispenser. Then said, "you can drop your used cup in this receptacle." I looked and there was a thing you could stack your used cup in - sort of like a reverse cup holder you would normally get soft drink cups out of in a cafeteria. Wow, they think of everything!
After eating, we had dessert simply by walking through their bakery section. We were too full to indulge in the gorgeous-looking sweets. We worked off some calories by browsing the frozen food section. You know they have everything pre-sliced for doing your own hot-pot at home?
Life is good. I gotta do this again.
